Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
