his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
