i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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