omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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