so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
