hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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