Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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