at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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