Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
it's not cheating when I paid for it
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
