I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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