Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
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