so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
