He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize