He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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