Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
