guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize