Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
