got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
