Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
So vagazzling was a success
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
