so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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