i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
