Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I fill condoms, not promises.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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