Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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