My underwear smells like fireworks.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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