i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
