So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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