I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize