Your face is a jimmy john
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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