My underwear smells like fireworks.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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