Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Text me some of your sweat
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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