never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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