If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
