Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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