Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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