We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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