when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
