literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
