i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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