then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
