im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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