There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
