WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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