Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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