Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
