Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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