She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
