Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
