dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize