all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
