My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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