Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
