I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize