you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I think your dad took our porno
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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