I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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