instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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