i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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