I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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